ways to torture jacob
by twilightlovr
Summary: Spoilers for eclipse, i really dislike jacob so i decided to make a list on all the things that i hate about him. i am sorry if i offended people in this, so read ch.7, it is a apologize ch. to all of the people i have offended.
1. Chapter 1

10 reasons to hate Jacob black 

Jacob practically forced him self on Bella even when she said no.

he broke bellas hand and laughed about it

he doesn't respect her decision of Bella wanting to be friends

he hates Edward

he made Edward suffer by showing him glimpses of Bella hurting

he tricked Bella into kissing him AFTER he found out that she was engaged

he told Bella that he would rather her die then become a vampire

He threatened to go kill himself just because Bella was more in love with Edward then him, can you say selfish much?

he keeps on making Edward jealous

And he is a total hypocrite; a human and vampire cant fall in love but a human and werewolf can? Come on.

_For all the jacob lovers that are reading this and are about to make a review, dont be rude in it because i am sick and tired of people doing that. i will listen to your opinions about this story if they make a valid point, but if they are down right insulting, then be prepared to get insulted back. _


	2. Chapter 2

30 ways to torture Jacob black

shoot him with a silver bullet

have the Cullen's rip him to shreds and then set the remains on fire

gather all the Jacob haters into an angry mob and trample him till he is no more

send the volturi after him

let Jane use her torture gaze on him

have Bella kiss Edward right in front of his face

throw him in an ocean with man, or I should say wolf, eating sharks

push him off a cliff

throw a rock at his head, giving him a concussion

have Billy run over his toe with his wheel chair, causing him to break his foot

have Edward knock a little sense into him(wink wink)

feed him to mutant squirrels

make him choke on his food

have Charlie take out his tazer gun and fry him

when he is walking down the stairs, push him and start laughing

run him over with your car multiple times

kick sand in his eyes

neuter him

affect him with a very deadly disease

make him watch barney till his eyes start to bleed

have Edward throw a refrigerator at him

when he is a werewolf, take a shaver and shave off all of his hair and then start making fun of him

have you and your friends take turns beating him with a bat like a piñata

have Bella throw him out her window when he tries to get in

spit and flip him off when he says hi to you

shove dog biscuits down his throat till he can't talk

kick him where the sun don't shine

let Edward strangle him while you sit back and laugh

call him names

have you and your friends tie him up and give him over to the vampires

lol, as you can tell I really don't like Jacob.


	3. notes

Notes 

Ok, I am getting really annoyed that some people on my reviews are telling me what a great guy Jacob is, frankly I could care less.

And to Exodusangel, living in fantasy, and baby green eyes, if you guys absolutely love Jacob, then why did you click on my hate list for him?? It makes no sense because nothing you guys say is going to change my opinion about him.

I didn't hate Jacob in twilight, I was ok with him in new moon, but now I hate him in eclipse. So get off my back.

And I don't hate Jacob just because I like Edward more, living in fantasy, if you read my first list then you would know why I hate him, so don't tell me something I don't want to here.

Baby green eyes, how can you turn into an Edward hater?? All the books are basically about him, but I will give you credit, I was sort of disliking Edward because he kept on telling Bella what to do. Doesn't mean I hate him.

So this is my opinion on what I think of Jacob and if you don't like, that's too bad. But please to all those Jacob lovers, don't leave a review because you're wasting your time.

I know I sound mean and heartless, but I'm not trying to. I just get sick of people on what they say sometimes.


	4. Short Story

Short little Fanfiction on how much I hate Jacob 

BPOV

I was sitting in Starbucks drinking some coffee, totally relaxed until I saw Jacob wave to me through the glass.

Great, just what I need.

"Hey Bella," he greeted me.

"It's Isabella to you mister." I said sternly, taking a sip of my coffee. He gave me a weird look and then started smiling.

"Since when did you drink coffee?" he asked.

I shrugged and drank some more. That's when I saw Emmett outside of the shop, putting a finger above his lips for me to be quit.

I nodded, putting my full attention on Jacob now, "So, what brings you here?"

"Oh, I called your house and Charlie told me you were here." He stated.

"Your stalking me now?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"No! I just wanted"-

"Just wanted to know where I was? Yeah, that's called stalking to an extreme." I sipped some more coffee.

"Can't I come to my favorite coffee place?" he asked, slowly scooting the chair out so he could sit next to me.

"Not when I am here you can't." I said grumpily.

"Bella"-

"Isabella!"

"Is this seat taken?" he asked me, probably trying to be all sly.

"No but this one will be if you sit down." I pointed out, taking another swig off coffee.

He started laughing as he pulled the chair out and sat down. Didn't I just say no? Does he need hearing aids? I was about to say something but Emmett came bursting into the doors.

He was wearing a black cape with fake vampire teeth inside of his mouth as he came walking up to me.

"Hey Emmett!" I said really excitedly.

"I vount to suck you vlood!" he said, pulling the cape above his mouth and hissing.

I just laughed and drank more coffee while Jacob started to shake.

"Are you ok?" I asked him.

"Why vould he ve ok? He vmells like vomething crawled up his ass and died!" Emmett explained, putting his finger over his nose.

"Yeah, I'm fine, it's just"- Emmett cut him off by screaming and throwing my coffee cup out of my hands and into Jacobs lap.

"Hot! Hot! Ouch!" Jacob said, knocking the chair over and running around patting his shirt.

"What the hell was that for?!" Jacob asked, still running around.

"I vhought I vaw a bee on between your shoulders, turns out is vas just your head. My mistake." Emmett said, putting his hands up for dramatic affect. I started to laugh but then I just realized something.

"Emmett, you spilled my coffee!" I shrieked.

"Hey von't look at ve, look at him! He is the one vho is vearing it all over vimself." Emmett pointed towards Jacob who finally stopped jumping.

"Enough with the fake Dracula accent." I said as I went over to Jacob.

"I'm ok, it was just really hurt." Jacob said, glaring at Emmett who started whistling now.

"Actually I came over to tell you that you have to buy me another cup of coffee, but speaking of it, are you ok?" I asked, not really caring, just wanting my coffee.

Jacob looked at me speechless and was about to say something but Emmett beat him to it.

"Yeah you heard the lady, chop chop! Make with the money!" he said, snapping his fingers in the air.

"You won't to go punk." Jacob asked, stepping a little closer towards Emmett.

"Only if you take a shower first then I will consider it." Emmett replied, throwing napkins at Jacobs face.

"I will take you out!" Jacob said again, throwing a straw at Emmett but he missed.

"Sorry I am already married and frankly, I don't feel the same way about you." Emmett stated while picking up a chair and hurling it at Jacob. He went flying backwards and hit the wall, causing a huge crack in it.

"Jacob"- I asked but he held up his hand to silence me.

"Don't worry Bella; I will take care of this." He said as he threw a table at Emmett but he missed again.

"Isabella!" I screamed at him. "I want my coffee!"

"Ok guys, if you don't settle down I am going to have to ask you to leave." The manager came out, pointing his finger at them but Emmett threw a table at Jacob and instead it hit the manager.

"Great guys, you knocked him out." I said, glancing at the now on the floor manager.

All of a sudden Emmett grabbed a fork and took Jacobs hands, and started to cut off his fingers. Jacob screamed in pain for a short second and then Emmett released him, dropping five of Jacobs's fingers in the process.

"Let's see if you can grow that back freak!" Emmett said, waving his bloody fork in the air.

"Oh my god! You cut off my fingers! Ouch! Ahhh!" Jacob screamed again, holding his now fingerless hand.

Emmett started laughing really hard and said, "That's not the only thing that is going to get cut off. Have you ever been neutered before?" he asked.

Jacob screamed again.

"Umm, not to interrupt or anything but kind of out of coffee here," I picked up the empty cup that Emmett threw at him earlier and said while tapping the cup, "Bone dry."

"Bella how can you sit there"-

"Isabella!" I corrected him again.

"And ask that?" Jacob asked me in disbelief.

"What I am thirsty." I said simply.

Jacob ran out of the store screaming in agony on the way.

"Pssh, what a Pansy ass" Emmett said, while grabbing one of the fingers.

"EW, don't touch those! They might have rabies!" I said.

"Vampires can't get rabies." He said, rolling his eyes.

"Wait, I am starting to feel a little funny. Oh my god! Bella run! I-I am changing! Run for your life!" Emmett screamed, putting his hands on his face and falling down on the floor.

"Cut it out, and Jacob still owes me a cup of coffee!" I fumed.

"You're a fun sucker." Emmett muttered, picking himself off of the floor.

"Hey, lets go chase the freak down! He can't be that far away." Emmett said, grabbing my arm.

"As long as I get my coffee." I mumbled.

"Look! There goes the freak of nature!" Emmett shouted, pointing ahead of him. Sure enough, Jacob was running into the hospital building, screaming like a little girl.

Lol, I had fun writing this.


	5. Chapter 5

Creative ways to torture Jacob black

Get him a leash that says vampire's rules 

Buy a chock collar for him

Give Jacob one of Edward's shirts and laugh when he throws it down saying _IT__BURNS!!_

Feed him dog food till he throws up.

Have Bella and Edward call him when they are on they're honeymoon and tell him that Bella is a Vampire.

Have Edward and his family write all over his house _you suck bones!!!_

When it is Jacob's birthday, give him a chew toy.

Have Bella show Jacob her wedding ring

Buy him a kennel

Have Bella Put a sign up on her house saying _I am allergic to dogs_

Have Bella wear Alice's clothes so when Jacob tries to hug her, he will fall down in agony.

Put fliers up that has a picture of Jacob on it saying _missing dog_

Drive Jacob to the dog pound

Laugh at how ugly he is

Wear a T-shirt that has Vampires kick ass! On it.

Get one of those silent dog whistles and blow on it till Jacob explodes

Put dynamite in a water melon and give it to Jacob

Give Jacob nachos and put glue in the cheese so when he takes a bit, it will get stuck in his throat.

Hit Jacob with a sling shot

Throw a dictionary at his head and have him look up the word _loser_

Have Edward throw Bella's motorcycle at him.

When Bella goes over to his house have her say _yeah well who cares what you think, you're a dog, so that means your color blind, so you can't see the colors on the American flag, you comi!!_

Get all of Jacobs's friends to turn against him

Shoot him with a paintball gun till he can't walk or stand anymore

Remove his tongue like they did in the mummy and bury him alive with the flesh eating bugs.

Stone him.

Get all the Jacob haters to egg his house

Poke him with a stick


	6. Chapter 6

Ok, someone on my reviews has asked me to write a couple of things that are good about Jacob. I have decided that I would because they do make a good point, Switzerland, and I would love to have a discussion with you about him but unfortunately I don't have your email, but here is feel free to start the discussion.

Some redeeming qualities that Jacob has (and trust me, I WILL not be doing this again cause I absolutely loathe him)

_When Alice was holding Bella hostage, Jacob came and bailed her out by saying __Run Bella! __I happened to enjoy that part._

_He did help her out in New Moon with her zombie state._

_Even though Jacob had hurt Edward by showing him images of Bella hurting, Edward did sort of deserved it._

_He does care about her, even though he knows (hopefully) by now that he CANT have her._

_He risked his life to go in the newborn battle fighting for Bella's safety_

_He has a cool car_

_He is the wild and fun side of Bella, which I like, the rule breaker as you can call it_

_He saved her from the cliff stunt_

_He is funny (I like funny as you can tell)_

_He let Bella pet him when he was a werewolf; I thought that was pretty cool._

_He would die for her (cough cough, yes!!! Cough cough)_

_He is her only true best friend besides Angela_

Yea, that is all I kind think of without vomiting, lol. Like I said, that will be the LAST time I give Jacob a break, so for now on, he better watch his back. Me and my Jacob haters have eggs, and we are not afraid to use them!!!!

Jacob hater's names that asked to be in my mob or who I consider worthy of being in my mob (I am planning on using some of your names in the continued story of chapter5)

Edward-and-Bella-forever

Brittanyxshadows

Em'sgirl123(GENRAL)

Crzy-bout-edward-cullen

Flapwazzleanonymous

And in kisses-consume

Lily-grows

19shorty2012

Twilight Fan Girls

Vampire Scooby

Aniamllover0109

Bella Swan aka Mrs.Cullen (GENRAL)

Ilovedwardandbella

Ravenmadisonfan

Bellabookworm9

Iloverosaliehail

Bella-and-edward-forever22

Love is not a Victory March

Kagom-hater-4ever

Down.with.jacob (GENRAL)

Twilight lvr 4ever

Thesoudnvillageisemo

Mrytel maneet

Logannicole93

Gottaluvtwilight

Raya uchiha

Jesseismyghost (GENERAL)

I want a cookie NOW

Blackirises (GENERAL)

so, the people on here, maybe some of you will get your names in my next kill jacob update!!!!


	7. SORRY!

Ok, I am sorry if I have sounded mean or offended anyone in these last couple of days, its just some of these reviews that people leave are rude and have no point what so ever.

Anyway, I was reading some a couple of days ago and it stroke a nerve, so I vented my anger out on ch.3 when I really shouldn't have. Yes I know it was childish but I was just really pissed at what some people had to say, and unfortunately I deleted ch.3 off of my documents so I can't edit it and fix my mistake.

I am not going to trash anyone who makes a good point about liking Jacob, but I am going to trash someone if they trash me first telling me that I am a moron and shouldn't have posted this. But I won't trash you, like I said, if you can come up with some good and valid points. Heck if you come up with some good points about liking Jacob, I might put it in with ch.6.

So I am sorry that I made that one anonymous person feel like I would trash them if they state their opinion. As long as it was a decent opinion and not an immature one telling me how stupid this is, I am fine with it. So sorry if I came off to any one as a person who doesn't listen to peoples thoughts, its just they have to be respectful thoughts.

The only reason I put those things in ch.1 and ch.3 is because earlier in my reviews, some people were being down right rude and were trashing me and my so called story.

So anyway, I promise I won't trash anyone and I will listen to your point of view of my story, as long as it is decent opinion I am all ears, but if it is not, be ready to defend your rude review.

Oh, and I apologize to Baby Green Eyes, I got your pm and wanted to say that I was overreacting over a little matter. I am sorry but I can't delete your name off of ch.3, so I am telling you I am sorry on this. Lol, what fanfiction has done to the world, turning us against fictional characters and each other.

twilightlovr


	8. Chapter 8

Ok, the Jacob hater's story that I promised!!! Have fun

"Ok, we have the eggs, dog biscuits, dynamite, machine gun filled with silver bullets, and toilet paper!" Myrtle Maneet said, grinning evilly.

"HA! He will never know what hit him!" Ectwforever said, taking the dynamite and laughing evilly.

"Yes I know! Ok so who is going to ring the door bell?" I asked, looking at our group for any volunteers.

"Oh, I will. This is going to be so much fun!" Bella Swan aka Mrs.Cullen said, standing up and walking up to the front door.

"Ok, I will take the machine gun." I said, grapping it off of the ground and loading it up with silver bullets.

"I have the dog biscuits, but I put vampire cologne inside of it." Myrtle Maneet said, getting the dog biscuits in position as Bella Swan aka Mrs.Cullen was almost at the door now.

"I have the dynamite!" Ectwforever said, getting in position also.

"I've got the eggs." Edwardcull3nfan13 said.

"Kyasurin15, hurry and put in your fake vampire teeth!" I whispered.

"I'm hurrying, just hang on! You can't rush these things." Kyasurin15 said, putting in the vampire teeth.

"Ok, I stand right here."Em'sgirl123 told us, getting ready.

Ectwforever, Edwardcull3nfan13, Myrtle Maneet, and I all ran towards the bushes, waiting for our brilliant plan to work.

We saw Bella Swan aka Mrs.Cullen ring the door bell, and who opened it was no other then our target.

"Can I help you?" I heard Jacob ask. We all started to laugh quietly to ourselves, knowing that Jacob might never want to come out side again after this.

"No, wrong house." Bella Swan aka Mrs.Cullen said, smiling as she slowly turned around and started to scream.

Kyasurin15 was pretending on trying to suck the blood of Em'sgirl123, and she was doing a good job at it.

"Oh my god! Hang on!" Jacob said, sprinting down the walk way towards them.

"NOW!" I shouted, while everyone emerged from the bushes, pointing there weapons at Jacob who was now frozen in place.

"What the hell is this? Am I getting punked?" Jacob asked, now smiling at all of us.

"Silence!" Edwardcull3nfan13 yelled, throwing an egg at Jacob's head. He stumbled back a bit, but then gained balance again.

"What the hell is this?" Jacob asked, clearing irritated now.

"We are here to tell you to stay away from Bella and Edward." I said, aiming my machine gun at him but he didn't even seem to notice.

"And what if I don't?" Jacob asked, slowly taking a step towards us, trying to scare us away.

"You are about to find out." Myrtle Maneet said fercily.

"You think a bunch of kids are going to tell me to stay away from my love"- I cut Jacob off by signaling Ectwforever. She lit the dynamite and threw it at Jacob, who caught it in his hands.

"What is this?" he asked, but we all started to run away as comprehension slowly dawned on his face. He threw it in the air but it already blew up, causing him to go flying backwards.

"AHHH! You stupid punks are going to pay!" he shouted, limping his way over to us but we all aimed our weapons at him.

"FIRE!" I screamed as I started shooting him.

"DIE SCUM!" Ems'girl123 screamed, throwing eggs at him.

"Take that!" Myrtle Maneet shouted, throwing dog biscuits everywhere.

"HA!" Edwardcull3nfan13 said.

"Yeah try running from this!" Ectwforever said lighting and throwing a couple more dynamite in his direction.

"Oh what are you going to do now fool!" Kyasurin15 said grapping the toilet paper off of the ground and throwing it over his house and trees.

"Oh yeah, what are you going to do now!" Bella Swan aka Mrs.Cullen said, grabbing some of the dog biscuits and throwing it at him.

We all ceased fire after a couple of minuets and waited for the dust to go away so we could see what damage we did.

Jacob was standing there, with a couple of scratches on him but it looked like that we didn't even damage him at all.

"Rip off." I muttered, as me and our group started to advance a little on him. He just merely smiled and started to come towards us too.

But all of a sudden there was a loud honking sound and then this truck started to come towards us. Correction is started to come towards Jacob.

Jacob jumped out of the way just in time as we started firing off our weapons again at him while we started to slowly go towards the truck.

"Hurry up!" BlackIrises said, opening the door for us to get in.

"Where did you find this?" I asked as everyone got in.

"Not the time to ask questions, we have to go now!" she said as she stepped on the gas peddle, leaving a very pissed Jacob behind.

"We need to go back and finish our job." Edwardcull3nfan13 stated, looking back behind us.

"No we don't, Jacob's stupid little pack is following us." BlackIrises said, gripping the wheel tighter.

"No there not"-

But all of a sudden there was a car behind us that was gaining speed fast.

"I'll take care of this." I stated as I rolled down the window, pointed my gun and started firing at the car.

But they dodged my bullets very well, so I rolled up the window and looked anxiously up ahead of us.

There was two cars in front of us, which made BlackIrises stomp on the brakes causing the truck to go spinning to a halt.

As all of us lifted up our heads, 7 people emerged out of their cars and stood in a perfect spaced out line.

"Wow." We all said at once as Jacob and his friends came to a halt also.

_To be continued….._


End file.
